I'VE MADE SOME GOOD SANDWICHES
This text was created under human supervision, using the first sentence of a known work as its starting point.
People are afraid to merge on freeways in Los Angeles. It’s a whole thing.
Everyone hates it when the person in front of them in traffic starts to merge but doesn’t go through with it. They’re like, “Fuck you. You didn’t finish merging.” I don’t know. I think everyone knows deep down that at some point in their life they’ve started to merge and didn’t finish.
I’m trying to remember if I’ve done that. I don’t think I have.
Anyway, I love LA. I love the weather. I love the people. I love the food. You can find anything you want. You could probably get a sushi burrito. I don’t know, there’s a lot of food trucks, and I like the fact that it’s so spread out. I really do. I hate how much you have to drive, but I love how spread out it is. I have friends who live in New York, and they’re like, “Oh, we’re going to Brooklyn.” Okay, you’re driving for an hour. I’m like, “Okay, I’m going to the Valley.” They’re like, “How long does that take?” I’m like, “Well, I’m going to be there in 15 minutes.” They’re like, “What?” I’m like, “Yeah.”
On the other hand, you can’t walk anywhere. I like to walk. I like to take long walks. I can’t walk anywhere, so I drive.
When I was a kid, I was listening to music. I don’t know how old I was, but I was listening to music, and I said, “I want to be a singer.” Then I was like, “I want to be a comedian.” Then I was like, “I want to be a writer.” Then I was like, “I want to be an actor.” Then I was like, “I want to be a director.” Then I was like, “I want to be a chef.” That was like the last one. I was like, “I want to be a chef. That’s it.” I stopped at that.
I’ve never lost that desire to make a great meal. I’ve never lost that. But I could never make a meal that I thought was really good. I’d be like, “Oh, shit. I could really make a good meal,” but I could never finish making it. I’d be like, “Oh, shit. This is good. I should finish making it,” and then I start eating it, and I’m like, “Oh, no.” I’m like, “Shit.” I just can’t finish making a meal. I’ve never been able to do it.
The only thing I’d say I’m good at making is a sandwich. I make a good sandwich. I make a fucking awesome sandwich. That’s something I’m good at.
I’ve made sandwiches that were so good that I’m like, “I can’t fucking eat this. It’s too good.”
I’ve made some good sandwiches.
Anyway, I’m off topic.
I was in this store, and I saw this slogan, and it made me so angry that I had to leave. I had to leave the store. I had to get out of there.
This slogan was something like, “Life is too short to drink bad coffee.” It might have been something like, “Life is too short not to try our coffee.”
I was so angry. I was like, “How dare you?”
The next thing I know, I’m outside the store, and I’m like, “Fuck you.” I’m like, “I’m going to go to the next store. I’m going to get something else.”
I walk down the street, and I look in the window of the next store, and I see another slogan. This one is like, “Life is too short to drink bad wine.”
I’m like, “What the fuck?”
This is where it gets really interesting. I walk into the store. I look around, and I see a whole bunch of wines. I’m like, “I’m going to get a bottle of wine. I’m going to drink it at home.” I pick up a bottle of wine. I walk to the counter, and I’m like, “How much do you want for this?”
The guy says, “Oh, this is $6.99.”
I’m like, “Okay.”
He’s like, “That’s the price. That’s what it costs.”
I’m like, “What do you mean?”
He’s like, “I don’t know. That’s the price.”
I’m like, “What do you mean, it’s the price?”
He’s like, “We’re not allowed to change the price on anything.”
I’m like, “What do you mean?”
He’s like, “This is the price. That’s why it’s $6.99.”
I’m like, “Okay.” I take the wine. I go home. I drink the wine, and I’m like, “This is a good bottle of wine. This is actually a good bottle of wine.”
Then I’m like, “Wait a second.”
I come back to the store. I go up to the counter, and I lean over. I say, “How much is this wine?”
He says, “$6.99.”
I’m like, “I know that. What I’m asking is, how much is the wine?”
He’s like, “$6.99.”
I’m like, “I know that. I’m asking you what the cost of your wine is.”
He’s like, “$6.99.”
I’m like, “No. I’m asking you to tell me how much the wine costs.”
He’s like, “$6.99.”
I’m like, “Tell me how much the wine costs.”
He’s like, “$6.99.”
I’m like, “Why can’t you tell me how much the wine costs?”
He’s like, “$6.99.”
I’m like, “Seriously. I just want to know how much the wine costs.”
He’s like, “$6.99.”
I’m like, “What do you mean $6.99?”
He’s like, “$6.99.”
I walk away. I go home. I turn on the TV, and there’s a commercial for this store, and I’m like, “That’s the guy. That’s the guy I talked to.” He’s like, “Hey. Come to my store. We have wine.”
I’m like, “What the fuck is happening?”
I turn on the computer. I go to Google, and I type in, “Life is too short to drink bad wine.”
Google is like, “No results.”
I go to Bing. I type in, “Life is too short to drink bad wine.” Bing’s like, “No results.”
I go to Yahoo. I type in, “Life is too short to drink bad wine.” Yahoo’s like, “No results.”
Okay. So I’m like, “Fuck you, Microsoft. Fuck you, Yahoo. Fuck you, Google.”
Then I’m like, “I’m going to do something really crazy. I’m going to go on Twitter.”
I post a tweet. I’m like, “Life is too short to drink bad wine.”
And Twitter’s like, “What the fuck did you just write?”
I’m like, “I just wrote a sentence. I don’t know.”
Twitter’s like, “It’s going to cost you $199,000 to put that up.”
I’m like, “What the fuck?”
I go to Instagram. I post a picture of the bottle of wine.
Instagram’s like, “You can’t do that. We’re going to take every picture down.”
I go to Google Maps, and I’m like, “I want to get directions to this wine store.”
Google Maps is like, “Dude. You can’t do that. That’s against the law.”
I’m like, “What the fuck is happening?”
I get on the phone. I call my mom. She picks up the phone, and I’m like, “Mom, you’re never going to believe this. I was at this wine store. I was looking at this wine, and it was like $6.99.”
She’s like, “That’s awesome.”
I’m like, “I know.”
She’s like, “When are you going to come home?”
I’m like, “I’m going to stay. I’m going to stay in LA. I’m going to give it a shot.”
And she’s like, “Okay, well, I’m going to be praying for you.”
I’m like, “Why?”
She’s like, “Because I know what you’re going to be. You’re going to be a statistic.”
I’m like, “Whatever.”
That was the last time we had a conversation.
And the next day, I go to a temp agency. I’m like, “I’ve got to get a job. I’ve got to make some money. I’ve got to stay in LA.” And they’re like, “Oh, yeah. We’ve got a job for you. We’ve got a job for you, but it’s in the basement of the Scientology church.”
I’m like, “Oh, no.”
So I go to the Scientology church, and I get the job. I’m a security guard in the basement of the Scientology church.
I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m just making $7 an hour. I’m sitting in a basement all day. It’s not the most glamorous of jobs. I’ve got my earphones in. I’ve got my Walkman on. I’m rocking out. I’m like, “This is my jam.”
And meanwhile, the Scientology people, they like me. They’re like, “You’re a good security guard. We’re going to give you a promotion.” They’re like, “You’re going to be a security guard for the celebrities.” I’m like, “Oh shit.”
And I go upstairs and do celebrity security, and it’s like a revolving door of the biggest celebrities. I’m like, “Oh my God.”
And the security guard who’s with me, he’s like, “Hey, I’m going to go get a smoke.”
I’m like, “Okay.”
I’m standing there, and this is my first day, and I’m just like, “I’m going to make a good impression. I’m going to make a good impression.”
And the elevator opens. It’s Jennifer Lopez with her entourage, and she steps out of the elevator. And I’m like, “Okay, this is my chance. I’m going to make a good impression.”
And I go to shake her hand, and she looks at me, and she’s like, “What are you doing?”
I’m like, “I’m making a good first impression.”
And she’s like, “You’re making a bad first impression.”
And I’m like, “I’m sorry.”
And she’s like, “Just let go of my hand.”
And I’m like, “Okay.”
And she walks away.
I’m like, “Oh my God. I’m so fired. I’m so fired.”
Anyway, I’m fired a couple of days later. And I go to the temp agency, and I’m like, “What’s next?”
And they’re like, “Well, you’re going to be a production assistant at a TV show.”
I’m like, “Oh, cool.”
So I go to the TV show, and I’m like, “What do I do?”
And they’re like, “Here, take this script. Take it to the set. Tell them that this is the script.”
So I take the script. I’m like, “Here’s the script. This is the script.”
And they’re like, “Okay.”
And I’m like, “I don’t know what to do now.”
And they’re like, “Go to craft services.”
I’m like, “What’s craft services?”
And they go, “Craft services is the table where they have all the food, and you can eat all day.”
I’m like, “Oh my God. This is amazing.”
So I go to craft services, and it’s just this table with all of this food on it. I’m like, “I’m in heaven.”
So I load up my bag with all of this food, and I sneak back onto the set, and I’m like, “I’m going to eat all of this food.”
And I’m just sitting there eating this food, and I turn around, and there’s this guy sitting behind me. And he’s like, “Hey, I’m a writer.”
And I’m like, “Oh, cool.”
And he’s like, “You’re eating all of the food.”
And I’m like, “Yeah.”
And he’s like, “That’s not cool.”
And I’m like, “Okay.”
And he’s like, “I’m going to fire you. You’re done.”
And I’m like, “Oh, no.”
So I go back to the temp agency, and I’m like, “What’s next?”
And they’re like, “There’s a job at a wine store.”
And I’m like, “A wine store?”
And they’re like, “Yeah, you know, like, you’ll be fine.”
So I go there, and it’s a new wine store called Things You Never Knew Existed. I get my apron on, and I’m just looking at the wine.
And people are walking in, like, “What is this place?”
And I’m like, “It’s a wine store.”
And they’re like, “Oh, well, I don’t really need any wine.”
And I’m like, “Okay.”
And they’re like, “I’m just going to go do something else.”
And I’m like, “All right.”
And then a guy walks in. He looks at the wine for a long time. He picks out a bottle and brings it over to me.
He’s like, “How much do you want for this?”
And I’m like, “What is it?”
And he’s like, “It’s called ‘Whiteface’.”
And I’m like, “I don’t know what that is.”
And he’s like, “Yeah. Neither do I.”
So he hands it to me, and I look at the bottle. It’s this weird bottle. It’s got two white faces on it.
And I’m like, “What kind of wine is this?”
And he’s like, “I don’t know. Something white, I guess.”
And I’m like, “There’s no price on it.”
And he’s like, “Yeah. That’s why I asked how much it costs.”
And I’m like, “I don’t know how much it costs.”
And he’s like, “Look, I’ll give you $10 for it. I don’t know what it’s worth. I don’t know what wine costs.”
And I’m like, “That doesn’t sound right.”
And he’s like, “I’ll give you $15 for it.”
And I’m like, “You don’t know what this is.”
And he’s like, “Yeah. You’re right. I don’t. But I think it’s worth at least $15.”
And I’m like, “This is weird. I don’t even know what to do here.”
And he’s like, “I’ll give you $20 — on one condition. I want you to drink the wine with me.”
And I’m like, “That’s messed up. I’m not drinking wine with you.”
And he’s like, “I’ll give you $30, and I’ll drink the wine myself.”
And I’m like, “You’re offering way too much money for something we don’t even know what it is.”
And he’s like, “We do know what it is. It’s wine.”
And I’m like, “I don’t know what wine costs.”
And he’s like, “I’ll give you $40.”
And I’m like, “This is super weird.”
And he’s like, “Just tell me what you want for it.”
And I think about it for a while.
And then I’m like, “$6.99.”
And he’s like, “What?”
And I’m like, “You know, like, $6.99.”
And he’s like, “Why?”
And I’m like, “Because that’s what wine costs.”
And he’s like, “What is wrong with you?”
And I’m like, “I don’t know. I’m just trying to do my job. I’m trying to do the best I can.”
And he’s like, “All right, whatever. Here’s $6.99.”
And I take the money. And he walks away.
The next day, I come into work, and there’s a note for me. It says, “The owner wants to see you in his office. Please report there immediately.”
So I go to his office.
And he’s like, “You sold a bottle of wine yesterday.”
And I’m like, “Yeah. That’s what my job is.”
And he’s like, “Well, you sold it for $6.99.”
And I’m like, “Yeah.”
And he’s like, “That’s bullshit.”
And I’m like, “What?”
And he’s like, “That’s bullshit. It’s worth a lot more than that.”
And I’m like, “I don’t know. I don’t know anything about wine. You’re the wine guy. You’re the owner.”
And he’s like, “That’s right. I am. I’m the owner. And I’m going to prove it to you.”
So he goes to the back, and he comes back with a bunch of bottles. He’s got a bottle of wine from every wine region in the world. He’s got a bottle of wine from every year. And then he starts to drink them. And as he’s drinking them, one by one, he starts to talk about each one. And by the time he’s done, he’s drunk. And he’s like, “You’re right. You were right. You’re not a wine guy. I’m a wine guy. I’ve been drinking this stuff since before you were born. That $6.99 bottle? That was a Verget Cote de Nuit-Villages, and it was the 1989, and it was a good bottle.”
And I’m like, “What? I don’t even know what any of that means.”
And he’s like, “That’s what I’m saying. You don’t know. It’s good that you don’t know. That way you can sell it for $6.99. That way everyone can have a taste.”
So I drove home that day a little wiser. He did fire me though.
Anyway, I’m rambling. This wasn’t the point I was trying to make with my story.
I might’ve mentioned this already, but when I was younger, I thought it would be cool to be a writer. Yeah, I know, everyone does. Right? A writer. I was going to write the great American novel. I was going to write the script that went on to win the Oscar. I was going to write the Pulitzer-winning play. And then, you know, I’d have plenty of money, and I’d buy a fucking lake somewhere, and I’d sail all day and then I’d write all night. Sunsets across the water, and then I’d go home and write. Yeah.
Well, that didn’t happen, obviously. I didn’t do any of that.
But I still daydreamed about it. And I’d imagine what it would be like. Like, the New York Times would write a profile on me, and they’d call me the new voice of a generation. I’d see those words — “the new voice of a generation” — in fancy print in a big newspaper, and I’d feel special. I’d feel good.
And then I’d imagine things like, I’d be at book signing at some bookstore in New York, and all these hot women would be there, and they’d want nothing more than to kiss the new voice of a generation. And I’d be dressed like Tom Wolfe in a white suit, and I’d be signing books. And they’d be there, and they’d say, “Oh, can you sign my book?” You know? And I’d say, “Sure, here you go, hot stuff.”
And then I’d get home, and the phone would ring. And it would be Julia Roberts, and she’d say, “I’m in town tonight. I was just wondering if you had any plans.” I’d say “No. None. I was thinking about going out and starting a brushfire or something, but I don’t know. Maybe we could get together.” But she doesn’t hear me. She’s already hung up. She’s calling a restaurant to make reservations. She’s calling me back to ask me what I’m wearing so she’ll dress sexy. She’ll say, “Oh, you’re wearing a t-shirt? I’ll wear a t-shirt too. I’ll wear a t-shirt of your t-shirt.” And she’ll be here in an hour.
None of that ever happened. The closest I ever came was that time when I got the lead in the community production of “Cats.” And they were paying me scale. They were paying me $37 a performance, and I was giving 110%. But fuck it, I was starring in “Cats.” I was wearing a tail. I was wearing sequins. I was singing “The Rum Tum Tugger.” I was a fucking cat.
But that was it. That was as close as I ever would get.
But whatever, I don’t care. I’m not bitter. I’m not sad about it. I’m not even embarrassed about it. I’m not anything.
I’m like this with a lot of stuff though. I’ve got this friend, Bob, Ben, whatever. I can’t remember his name. Some guy. And he’s always complaining. He’ll say, “You know my dream? My dream is to meet these guys. They all live in New York. They’re all friends. They all go out every night. They all go to bars and clubs. Steve Buscemi is there. His buddy Tobey Maguire is there. Nick Nolte is there. Clooney is there. And me. Me. I’m there. I’m in the mix. I’m drinking whiskey and beer. I’ve got a cigar. I’m walking around like I got a stack of cash in my back pocket. You know what I’m wearing? You know what my shirt says? It says, ‘I’m a Big Fucking Star.’ That’s my shirt. I’m the coolest guy in the room, and I’m hanging out with the coolest group of guys, and I’m the fucking man.”
So I see this guy every few months, and I always ask him, “What have you been up to?” And he’s always like, “Oh, you know. Still working on that script. Still trying to get it greenlit. Still trying to get that movie made.”
But whatever. It’s not his fault.
So here’s my point, I guess. I never became a writer, or an actor, or a singer, or a comedian, or a director, or a chef. I sucked at being a security guard and I fucked up selling wine. I can’t cut hair. I’m not smart enough to be a doctor or an architect. I’m a shitty mechanic. I’m a terrible psychiatrist. I’m not even a good friend. I have no idea how to have a normal conversation. I don’t know anything about fashion. I’m bad at sex. I’m a lousy housekeeper.
But I do know how to merge on the freeway.
That’s the one thing I got.
That’s the one thing.
I’m good at that.
I’m fucking good at that.
I know that’s my way out. If I ever get in trouble, if I ever get in over my head, I just merge. I merge into the next lane, and then I merge into the next one, and I just keep merging.
So. The next time someone asks me what a bottle of wine costs, I’m just going to say, “It’s like three dollars.”
And the next time someone asks me who my favourite actor is, I’m going to say, “I like them all. They’re all pretty cool.”
And the next time I’m on a date, I’m going to say, “You know what’s funny? You know what’s the funniest thing ever? You know what I think is really, really funny? Do you have any idea what makes me laugh?”
And the next time someone asks me what I did last night, I’m going to say, “I don’t know. I wasn’t there.”
Listen. I’m not sad. I’m not a sad person.
I’m glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.
I’m glad that there are guys who can just throw a bunch of stuff in a pot and make soup.
I’m glad that when I put a new top on the garbage can with the little lever, the garbage can goes ‘clack.’
A while ago I was at the airport and a guy asked me to autograph his ticket. I said, “I’m not famous.” He said, “I don’t care. I’m a fan of your work.” I said, “What work?” He said, “I don’t know, but I’ve seen you somewhere.” I said, “You’re probably confusing me with someone else.” He said, “I don’t think so.” He was sure that he knew me. He was trying to convince me that I was someone famous. I said, “I don’t think you know who I am.” He said, “I think you’re in the movies or something.” I said, “I’m just a guy.” He said, “I don’t think so.” He started to get angry that I wasn’t famous and that he was wrong about me. It was making him feel bad. I said, “I’m a nobody.” He said, “You’re a nobody?” He was getting angrier. I said, “I don’t exist.” He said, “YOU DON’T EXIST?” He was getting so mad at me. I said, “I don’t.” He said, “How can you say that?!” Then I asked him what his personal definition of existence was. He got quiet. Then he said, “I think you do.” I said, “I don’t.”
And then he was like, “Who are you?”
And I was like, “I don’t fucking know.”
So that’s it. That’s my point. I guess.