THE BOOK OF TIME
All this happened, more or less. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
My wife and I were driving to New York City for a trip. We were in the car for a few hours, and we got into a conversation about what it would be like if we could go back in time. What would we do? Where would we go?
We started talking about specific historical events. We decided that we would go back to the American Revolution and watch George Washington cross the Delaware River. I thought it would be cool to see the first moon landing, so we talked about that for a while.
We discussed a few other possibilities, but eventually we got around to talking about 9/11. That’s when I told my wife that I wanted to go back in time and stop the terrorists from flying those planes into the World Trade Center.
She said, “That’s impossible. How could you stop them?”
I said, “I don’t know. I just want to go back and try.”
My wife wasn’t impressed with my idea. She thought it was ridiculous, and she told me so. But I kept thinking about it on the way to New York City. What if I could really go back in time? What would I do? Would I be able to stop 9/11 from happening? It seemed like a worthwhile thing to try for, at least in theory. So I decided that when we got home from our trip, I would start working on a plan for how to travel back in time and stop 9/11 from happening.
The first thing that occurred to me was that there were probably some laws of physics that might prevent me from going back in time — or at least make it very difficult or dangerous for me to do so — and maybe there were laws of nature that made this kind of time travel impossible. If there were such laws, then maybe there were ways around them or ways around the consequences of breaking them — ways that would allow me to travel through time without violating any physical principles or suffering any dire consequences as a result of doing so. And if such loopholes existed, then maybe they could be exploited by someone who wanted to go back in time and change history without being detected by anyone else who might be monitoring things from the future or keeping records of what happened in the past (or whatever).
It occurred to me that this kind of information might already exist somewhere out there on the Internet; perhaps some amateur physicist had already discovered some loophole in physical law which allowed him or her (or someone else) to travel through time without getting caught by any authorities monitoring past events or preventing changes from being made to historical records stored somewhere outside normal space-time continuity... but where would you look for something like this? You couldn’t just google “time travel loophole” and expect to find anything useful.
So I decided to google “time travel loophole” anyway, just in case someone had already discovered something that I hadn’t heard about yet. And I found something!
It was a blog post by someone who called himself the Time Traveler. He had written an article about how to travel back in time and change history without getting caught. I printed out the article and took it with me to work the next day. I went into my office and locked the door behind me so that no one could bother me while I read through it and tried to figure out what this guy was talking about.
I had a lot of questions as soon as I started reading the article, but most of them were answered by the end of page two or three (although some remained unanswered). The article was a lot longer than I expected it to be, but it was also very interesting. It gave me a lot of new ideas about how to go about trying to stop 9/11 from happening.
The Time Traveler’s article didn’t have any information about how to build a time machine, so I went on the Internet again. I googled “time machine” and found several sites that had information about building one. I spent the next few days studying these sites and trying to figure out which one would be best for me to use. One thing they all said I needed was an atomic clock to use as a time unit for my time machine, since atomic clocks are very accurate and stable.
So I went online and ordered an atomic clock from Amazon.com. It arrived a few days later, but when I opened it up, there was no battery inside! There was just a small circuit board with wires sticking out of it — no battery at all! And there wasn’t even any kind of instruction manual or anything else that might tell me what this thing was supposed to do or how it worked! It was just a bunch of wires hanging out of a circuit board!
I sent an email back to Amazon asking them what they thought they were doing sending me something like this without telling me what it was supposed to do or how it worked or anything else useful like that... but they never replied. So then I sent another email saying that if they didn’t reply within 24 hours, then I would file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau... but again, no reply came from them at all. So then I filed my complaint with the Better Business Bureau... and still no reply came from Amazon.com! What kind of company is this?
After waiting another week without hearing anything from anyone at Amazon, I finally gave up on them and decided that maybe their product wasn’t worth messing around with anyway. After all, even if I had an atomic clock, I still needed a power source for my time machine — like something nuclear (or maybe even antimatter). But where could you get something like that? How could you get your hands on some nuclear material without getting noticed by the authorities? Maybe trying to build a time machine wasn’t such a good idea after all...
Then one day while surfing around online, I came across a website that said you could build your own time machine using an ordinary flashlight. I thought this was very interesting, so I clicked on the link and read through the instructions. It looked like it would be pretty easy to do this, so I decided to give it a try. All I needed was an ordinary flashlight and some aluminum foil, which you can buy at any grocery store or convenience store for less than five dollars. So I went out and bought some aluminum foil and then went home and started building my time machine.
It took me about two hours to build my first time machine, but it worked! It really did work! It actually worked! The Time Traveler’s article had been right all along! This was amazing!
Now it was time to go back to 2001 and stop the terrorists from flying those planes into the World Trade Center.
I had to make sure that I didn’t get caught by anyone from the future who might be monitoring past events, so I decided that I would go back in time on a Sunday morning when no one else was around. That way, if anyone saw me disappear, they wouldn’t think anything of it because people are always disappearing all over the place on Sunday mornings — they’re either going to church or coming home from church or something like that. So this was a good day for me to go back in time and try stopping 9/11 from happening.
The first thing I did was walk over to my neighbor’s house and borrow his car (he’s not home very often). Then I drove up to Laguardia Airport and parked near one of the runways. Then I took out my flashlight-based time machine and turned it on. It started making some weird noises, but then it disappeared! And then everything went black... and then there was light again! And there were trees everywhere! And buildings! But where was I? What year was this? Was it 2001? Or 2002? Or 2003? Or maybe 2004…
Well, it turned out I was in New York City, and it was September 10, 2001! I was only a few hours away from the World Trade Center attacks! This was amazing!
I walked around for a while, trying to figure out what I should do next. How could I get those terrorists to not fly those planes into the buildings? How could I make them change their minds?
Then it occurred to me that maybe they weren’t terrorists at all! Maybe they were just regular people who were being forced to fly those planes into the buildings! Maybe they were just innocent victims of some evil plot!
So I went up to one of the people who was getting ready to fly a plane into the World Trade Center and said, “Hey, what are you doing?”
“I’m flying a plane into the World Trade Center,” he said.
“Why are you doing that?” I asked.
“Because I’m a terrorist,” he said.
“No you’re not! You’re just an innocent victim of some evil plot!” I said. “I know you don’t want to do this, but they’re forcing you to do it! They’ve got some kind of mind control device that’s making you fly this plane into the building! You have to fight them and resist them and not let them make you do this! You have to fight back against their evil plan and save yourself from dying in the attacks! So please, please listen to me and don’t fly that plane into the building! Fight back against their evil plan so that everyone can live through this together without getting killed by terrorists or dying in the World Trade Center or anything like that!“
But he just laughed at me and said, “I’m not going to listen to you! I’m a terrorist! I’m going to fly this plane into the World Trade Center!”
This was going to be harder than I thought! I had to try something else.
So I tried to grab the controls away from him and take over the plane myself, but he fought back against me and wouldn’t let me do it. He was too strong for me!
Then I tried to convince the other people who were flying planes into the World Trade Center not to do it, but they wouldn’t listen either. They all just laughed at me and said that they were terrorists and that they wanted to fly their planes into the buildings.
I was getting desperate now! What could I do? How could I stop these attacks from happening? The clock was ticking... time was running out... there wasn’t much time left for me to save everyone from dying in those attacks! But what could I do? How could I get them to not fly those planes into the buildings?!
And then suddenly, an idea came into my head: I could go back in time and warn the people who were going to be killed by these attacks! I could tell them not to go into those buildings on September 11, 2001! If they didn’t go into those buildings, then the terrorists wouldn’t have any reason to fly their planes into them — and so no one would get killed or die in the World Trade Center attacks!
So that’s what I did. I went back in time again and told everyone not to go into those buildings on September 11, 2001. And it worked! Everyone listened to me this time and stayed away from the World Trade Center on 9/11/2001... so there was no one inside when the terrorists flew their planes into it... and so nobody got hurt or died as a result of these terrorist attacks at all!!!
This was amazing! I had saved everyone from dying in the World Trade Center attacks!!! I had saved the entire world from being destroyed on 9/11/2001!!!
But this also raised a very troubling question: if I had saved everyone from dying in the 9/11 attacks, then that meant that I had also saved Osama bin Laden from being killed by the United States in retaliation for the 9/11 attacks.
I had saved the leader of Al Qaeda from dying!
And if I had saved the leader of Al Qaeda from dying, then that meant that Osama bin Laden was the leader of Al Qaeda in the future and that he was still alive and still the leader of Al Qaeda in the year 2040!
So I had saved the entire world from being destroyed by terrorists in the year 2001... but now there was still a threat of terrorist attacks in the future!
I decided that the only way to prevent future terrorist attacks was to stop Al Qaeda in the future. I had to go to the year 2040 and find out where Al Qaeda was hiding in the year 2040 and then destroy them!
I went back to my time machine and turned it on. It did the same thing as before — it disappeared and everything went dark and then there was light again. And I was in a city! But where was I? What city was this? Was this New York City? Or was it Baghdad? Or was it some other city that I had never heard of?
I didn’t recognize the city, but I saw a car that looked like a taxi, so I went over to the taxi and asked the driver, “What year is this?”
“The year?” asked the driver. “The year is 2040.”
“Really?” I asked. “That’s amazing! I’m from the past! I just came here from the year 2001!”
“I don’t care,” said the driver. “What is it that you want?”
“I want to find out where Al Qaeda is hiding in the year 2040,” I said. “I want to destroy them!”
“I’m not going to help you,” said the driver. “You’re going to get yourself killed if you go up against Al Qaeda.”
“I have to destroy Al Qaeda in order to save the world!” I said.
“No!” said the driver. “I’m not going to let you!” And then he pulled out a gun and pointed it at my head.
“Whoa!” I said. “What’s this about? You don’t want me to destroy Al Qaeda?”
“No,” said the driver. “I don’t!”
“Why?” I asked. “Why don’t you want me to destroy Al Qaeda?”
“Because if you do that, all of the attacks will happen again!” said the driver.
“What attacks?” I asked.
“The 9/11 attacks!” he said. “If you destroy Al Qaeda in the year 2040, then the attacks of 9/11 will happen again! This is the only way that we can stop them from happening — by having Al Qaeda exist in the year 2040!”
”But I stopped the 9/11 attacks in the year 2001!“ I said. ”How do you know about the 9/11 attacks? I’m the only one who knows about them! I was the only one who stopped them! I saved everyone from dying!“
“You did stop the 9/11 attacks in the year 2001,” said the driver. “You did save everyone from dying. But if you try to change things in the future, it’ll all be for nothing!”
”This isn’t making any sense at all!“ I said.
”I’m not going to tell you anything else,” said the driver. “You’re not going to change anything!” He then told the computer to take us to Washington, DC.
“Wait a minute,” I said. “A computer can drive?”
“Yes,” said the driver. “You don’t know about computers?”
“I know about computers,” I said. “What I’m saying is that the computer can drive?”
“Yes,” said the driver. “Computers can drive. They can do everything.”
“That’s amazing!” I said. “They can also think now?”
“Yes,” said the driver. “They can do everything. They can think. They can talk. They can drive. They can fly planes. They can do everything.”
“But if they can do everything, then why do you need a driver?” I asked.
“That’s a good question,” said the driver. “I’ll be honest with you. I have no idea why I need to be here.”
We soon arrived at the White House. The driver told the computer to drive the car inside, and then he took me up to the President’s office.
“What do you want?” asked the President. “Who are you?”
“I want to destroy Al Qaeda,” I said.
“You can’t do that,” said the President.
“Why not?” I asked.
“Because if you try to destroy Al Qaeda, then the 9/11 attacks will happen again,” said the President.
“But I already stopped the 9/11 attacks,” I said. “I saved everybody from dying.”
“You did save everyone from dying,” said the President. “That’s true. But if you destroy Al Qaeda in the future, then the attacks will happen again.”
“Why?” I asked. “Why would they happen again?”
“Because of the butterfly effect,” said the President. “Because of chaos theory. Because of the way the world works.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Do you know about the butterfly effect?” he asked. “Do you know about chaos theory?”
“No,” I said.
“I’m sorry,” said the President. “I don’t have time to explain it to you right now. I have to prepare for another meeting. But you should visit the History Museum. They have an information booth there where you can learn about chaos theory and the butterfly effect. You’ll learn everything you need to know about them there.”
“Okay,” I said.
“Remember what I said,” said the President. “If you try to destroy Al Qaeda, then the 9/11 attacks will happen again!”
I went back to my time machine. I hit the button to take me back to my own time. I went home and told my wife everything that had happened.
“The President said that if I destroy Al Qaeda, the 9/11 attacks will happen again,” I said. “But I already saved everybody from dying! I already saved the world from destruction!”
“I’m sure you’re right, dear,” said my wife. “But you don’t know what you’re doing. You should stop trying to save the world.”
“But I’ve already saved the world!” I said.
“Let me tell you a story,” she said. “Once there was a man who wanted to save the world. He was a smart man. He did a lot of research. He tried to come up with theories that would explain everything. He thought he knew everything there was to know about the world. He thought he knew why people did the things they did.
“He wanted to save the world. He thought he could do it. He thought he knew how to do it. So he started trying to save the world. But he was wrong. He didn’t know what he was doing. He caused the world to come to an end. He caused the apocalypse. He destroyed the world.”
“What?” I said. “What are you talking about?”
“It’s just a story I made up,” she said. “But it’s a story that could happen. It’s a story that could happen to you.”
“You’re right,” I said. “I don’t know what I’m doing. That’s what the President said.”
She smiled. “Good,” she said. “Now come on. Let’s go to the mall. I want to buy some new shoes.”
“Okay,” I said. “Whatever you say.”
We drove to the mall. We went shopping. We had a good time together. We had a nice day.
After we finished shopping, I went back to my time machine. I hit the button to take me to the future. I went to the year 2033.
I was still curious about the butterfly effect and chaos theory, so I went to the History Museum. I went to the information booth and asked the information lady about chaos theory. She explained it all to me. She told me about the butterfly effect and how the flap of a butterfly’s wings can cause a hurricane thousands of miles away. She told me how a tiny change in the past can cause a huge change in the present, and how a tiny change in the future can cause a huge change in the past.
She told me about all the ways the past and the future can interact with each other. She told me about the way the universe is a giant web of cause and effect. She told me about how time is like a giant wheel that keeps spinning over and over again, forever and ever, and how every moment in time is connected to every other moment in time.
I went back to my time machine. I went home. I went to bed. I had a good night’s sleep.
The next morning, my wife woke me up. “Honey,” she said. “I have a surprise for you.”
“What is it?” I said.
“I’m pregnant,” she said.
“That’s great!” I said.
“I know, right?” she said. “So what do you think we should name it?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “What do you think?”
“I think we should name it Jane,” she said.
“Jane?” I said. “After Jane Austen?”
“Yes,” she said. “I always liked her books.”
“Okay,” I said. “Jane it is.”
“You’re a good man,” said my wife. “I’m glad I married you.”
“Me too,” I said.
“Now come on,” she said. “Let’s go out to breakfast.”
“Okay,” I said.
Jane was born on February 14th. She lived to be 106 years old. She died peacefully in her sleep on September 15th, 2128.
I didn’t have any more kids. I didn’t have any more wives. And my wife and I didn’t get divorced. We were still together when we died. We died in our sleep too, in our bed, in our old age.
I wrote everything I remembered down in a notebook. I wrote about everything that happened to me. I wrote about my time machine. I wrote about my adventures in the past and the future. I printed my book and put it on Amazon.com. I called it The Book of Time.
My book became a bestseller. I made a lot of money. I became a celebrity. I went on talk shows. I went on the radio. I became famous. I became a household name.
I did everything I wanted to do. I got everything I wanted. I lived my dreams.
After that, I traveled through time and space. I went to the past and the future. I visited all the planets and moons in the solar system. I went to the edge of the known universe. I saw everything. I did everything.
I went to the end of time and saw the death of the universe. I saw the universe collapse in on itself, imploding and exploding at the same time. I saw the universe come to an end. I saw the end of all things.
Anyway, that’s my story. I hope you enjoyed it.